Mental Unhealth
Eunmin Woo
September 29, 2021
For musicians, the work never ends. There are always new pieces to learn and techniques to master. As a violinist, I feel a constant anxiety that stems from the pressure to practice all the time. Because of this, I scrutinize everything I do to make sure I'm making the best use of my time. Even as I practice, my anxiety overtakes me, Should I be practicing this or that? Am I spending too much time on this? Shouldn't I be practicing something else instead?
During the busiest season of my life, my anxiety seemed to hit a peak. The same narrative ran through my head no matter where I went. I seemed to have panic anytime I needed to eat, Ok what's already made that I can just shove in the microwave? I even started avoiding eating breakfast altogether for several months and slept excessive hours as an escape from my thoughts.
Cooking felt like a waste of time, sitting down and eating a proper meal felt like a waste of time, exercising felt like a waste of time, meditation felt like a waste of time, reading books felt like a waste of time, googling SOLUTIONS for anxiety felt like a waste of time. Basically, if I wasn’t practicing, it was a “waste of time.”
With recitals, doctoral applications/auditions, exams, and other things going on, I was in a crippling mental state. Practicing, sleeping all the time, not eating or exercising, nor taking care of myself caused physical and mental damage.
It wasn't till the bitter end that I realized I desperately needed to change, not just my exterior circumstances, but also the narrative in my head. I wrote with pen and paper in hand:
ON PRACTICE
The negative thoughts on wasting time were instilled at a young age. I did not practice when I should have and got yelled at for it, finding anything that didn’t involve sitting at the piano bench or practicing violin.
Oh look at that, I've got to clip my nails. Maybe I should move that stack of clothes over because it’ll distract my practicing. You know, I should really eat a snack. Maybe I have to send that email first. I should text my friend back...
The start to my solution was to put a time limit to my practicing. This idea of having all day to practice first seemed like a luxury, but was ironically counterproductive. I used a small kitchen timer to count my basic 3 hours of the day (or an occasional 4-5 hours for mainly performance or audition periods). I also put a limit to the days I was practicing as well, only allowing myself to practice 5 or 6 days a week instead of every day.
Having designated days off was key to increasing the value of my time putting into practice. The more days I gave myself to practice the more days I wouldn't put my best foot forward or "cheapen" my practice days. Having days off would also stop the narrative in my head that I'm "wasting" time on days I wouldn't practice. I would devote a whole day to not practicing and only doing homework (during the school year), read, go for a longer run or workout, relax, hangout with family/a friend, or doing some house chores. This started cleansing my soul.
Another great solution was to set a personal deadline. I would take any performance opportunity that sat well within the timeframe of my progress. Back in January, for example, a friend invited me to perform my pieces I happened to prep for DMA live auditions and I took the chance even though I was already busy. This sped up the process and changed my old habits, giving my practice more energy and efficiency.
MENTAL UNHEALTH
I started feeling better knowing exactly where my progress was taking me, knowing how far I can go with just three hours 5-6 days a week, meticulously keeping track for several months, but sometimes it can only take you so far if you’re not actually taking care of your mental health or your body.
I started watching psychologists, therapists, and mental health awareness activists on YouTube & TikTok and that's when I started finding more steps to helping my everyday life. These are most of the conditions (mental/physical) that I really struggle(d) with and am now learning to overcome: Adhd (most of which my anxiety comes from and which my mother did not let me get medicated or diagnosed for), seasonal depression, chronic back pain, toxic and dysfunctional relationships, dysmenorrhea, low self-esteem, and respiratory issues.
Anxiety and depression are a common set of words I hear a lot these days and I always knew I had them too. I’ve had to experiment with new ways to cope with my anxious thoughts and depression because it was handicapping me in my everyday life, with the simplest tasks. You would think we could just pick up our instruments and practice a few hours everyday, but it’s just not that cut and dry. The human brain can be complicated and get in the way of so much as a scale.
By the time the auditions, exams, and school ended, I was already headed to my summer festival, National Orchestral Institute (NOI) without a solid solution to the anxiety of being a young professional musician. NOI offered many interactive sessions like yoga and I decided to look into the mental health session catered to musicians. This is where I met Sound Mind and other people who had very similar experiences as I did.
The leader of the meeting spoke about her depression and said, "Something that really helped me was running." That really stood out to me because it was interesting how a physical action can transform a psychological one.
I started a small jogging routine since I was 16 at boarding school. I was a slow runner and didn’t want anybody seeing me so I would jog before most people were awake. That had always given me structure and made me feel more mentally stable.
I retreated to my parents' home after my summer festival, NOI, to clear my head and learn new repertoire for the school year. This is where I began my journey of healing, self-care, and self-love. I started running again and noticed amazing results. I quickly realized how it hushed the anxious voices in my head and literally felt anxiety exit my body, loosening the knot in my stomach that came with it.
Exercise has been very important for me throughout my life for multiple reasons, all being physical conditions that I struggled with for years (dysmenorrhea, respiratory issues, and chronic back pain). I suffered more repercussions of not exercising than actually going through the intensity of intentional physical activity. After all these years, I realized it was a blessing in disguise because I was forced to run and hit the weights.
It wasn’t until now that I started reaping the mental benefits of running and not just the physical ones.
Back to the idea of self-care being a “waste of time,” I didn’t think running 15 minutes a day would be completely life-altering nor benefit me even at a minimal rate. Plus, putting on a sports bra (not a comfortable or easy task), finding suitable sportswear (top and bottom), preparing a bare face with no makeup, and packing/wearing sneakers was all a hassle.
This summer, I experimented with meditative walks, but it didn't necessarily help. My anxious energy was still high because it wasn’t being expended. I needed to go extensive lengths that I normally wouldn't so that my heart starts pumping, my mind starts running, and my thoughts start to filter. The anxious thoughts turned into, “Oh my God, I can’t run anymore, my lungs are so full, my throat hurts, please stop! Wait no, just up to that signpost, ok wait, just up to that house over there.” Walk, run, walk, run, walk, run. I did this outside and sometimes on the small treadmill inside my parents’ garage. Every week, I got faster and started running longer distances. Every week I felt more and more peaceful and I could tell even from my journal entries that I was in a better place than the previous month.
I've kept myself busy with scheduled practicing, teaching, running, eating, reading, and journaling for a couple months now. I feel very different and better; less of the fragile girl who would frequently be on the verge of a breakdown. Now that I've finally found an achievable routine for mental health, I decided to tell myself, "I'm going to take care of myself and it's not worth the consequences of not running rather than going through the inconveniences of it." Like I said, it wasn't an act of physical health for me but a great source of mental happiness. Rain or shine!
PHYSICAL HEALTH = MENTAL HEALTH
Things I needed for my mental health:
comfortable sneakers, good set of running clothes, Journal with a colorful pen. A desk! A hobby (mine being ice skating), a favorite road to run on, mentally healthy YouTube videos (I rely on YouTube a lot so I have a student premium account), a friend, a room to get away/retreat (my car), keeping distance from toxic people, a quick and tasty smoothie routine, mental health advocates on social media, abstain from Facebook, siblings to talk about our possibly toxic upbringing, have a favorite water bottle, twoset violin, book "Untethered soul," jot down gratitude on post it’s, white board. 10-minute Headspace meditation video (especially with Andy Puddicombe https://youtu.be/QHkXvPq2pQE). Essential oil spray. A music stand of my favorite color to make practicing more pleasant. Weekly planner post-it's https://www.walmart.com/ip/Pen-Gear-Adhesive-Weekly-Planners-3-Count/547427342), and prayer.
