Feeling you're not good enough & Imposter Syndrome

Brian Johnston
September 15, 2021

Dropping out of undergrad:

Towards the end of my second year as an undergrad in college (trombone performance), I was insanely busy as we all are around the spring time leading up to finals. But this time was different. I saw the workload in front of me and started to think that there was no way I could pass all of my classes in time. On top of all of this, I was second-guessing my success as a performance major, and the stress really got to me.

I dropped out about a month before completing the school year and decided I was going to quit trombone and find something else to do. I viewed dropping out as an embarrassing failure -- that I ruined my reputation. At least, that’s what was going on in my mind at the time. It was a summer of questioning all of my decisions, debating whether I was good enough to make it, and trying to motivate myself to either look for something else to do, or whether to go back to school to try again. Luckily, I had a good support system amongst my family and friends.

I decided after the summer to transfer to another school and try again as a performance major. I sent recordings to another music college late that summer and was accepted based on good word from my previous teachers. I used the remainder of that summer to work my tail off to get back in shape on my instrument and build up courage to try again. I felt fortunate to go to a school to have a fresh beginning, although there wasn't a day where I didn't think about the time that I quit. 

I took advantage of my fresh beginning. I worked incredibly hard everyday, because I knew how hard it was at my previous school, and kept up that work ethic in my new surroundings. A few years passed, and I started having success on my instrument and success with my confidence. Years later, dropping out didn’t seem like such a big deal. I later learned that most people that I was in school with at that time either didn't notice that I left, or just wondered where I was until the end of that school year. I ended up being grateful for that path I went through. It allowed me to start with a fresh slate, yet keep the competitive edge that I learned from my first school.

I want others who went through something similar to me to know that it's ok to feel that you're not good enough, and it's ok to have thoughts about quitting. Before you make any decisions, talk to friends, family, and seek out other stories like mine.

Winning my first job & the stress that comes with the tenure process:

In November of 2018, I took the 2nd trombone audition for the Fort Wayne Philharmonic. Two rounds and about 12 hours later, I was announced the winner of the audition and would go through about three months of a trial period. Winning this job was an incredible confidence boost, and I felt that I was on top of the world. I ended up passing my trial period in February of 2019 and was then rostered in the orchestra as the 2nd trombonist. This meant that I now had to pass a one-year tenure process. This was easy at first because I was still riding on the high of winning the job.

After some time, the job began to feel normal for me. That's when I started questioning my own ability, and wondering if I actually deserved the spot. It was sometime in the fall that I was having stress and anxiety about the position. Throughout this overthinking, I couldn't get my mind to relax at night and wasn't sleeping, as I was worried about getting tenure. This obviously didn't help my situation because I was now exhausted showing up to work, and I occasionally would miss a note or two (sometimes more) in rehearsal from being too tired and not completely able to focus. It took me a couple of months of battling worry and overthinking until I was able to convince myself that I deserve this job, and that I'm doing ok. My sleep started to improve, and I started to show up and play more confidently again.

In February 2020, I'm told that I have tenure. I didn't realize that this process could be as stressful as it was, but I think it was my mind trying to tell me how important this all felt to me.

I later heard on various podcasts and interviews from many top tier musicians who've been through something similar during their tenure processes. I wish that I heard some of these stories while I was overthinking my own process. It might've helped me realize how normal this all was, and I might have been able to shake off the negative thoughts & restlessness earlier.

I hope those who read this and are/will be going through a tenure process can prepare ahead of time for the tricks the brain can play. Just know that you're probably doing everything just fine.