Finding Catharsis
Mekhi Gladden
May 19, 2022
Since I was a toddler, I was surrounded by music that conflicts with my current classical training. My parents are appreciators of classic hip-hop, neo-soul, funk, and R&B. So, I grew up singing, dancing, and thinking with the unbridled creativity of these improvisatory and expressive musical genres. When I reflect on my upbringing, it’s no wonder that I have never felt truly fulfilled by my studies of classical oboe. As I finish my last year at The Curtis Institute of Music, it is only now that I have made the realization that I have been lacking in catharsis as a performer of western classical music. Music that has its root in African/African American traditions places improvisation and free expression at the forefront, which is often in stark contrast to classical tradition.
I recently decided to explore this contrast in my senior recital in April 2022. I performed a full program of pieces by living composers of color, some of which happened to be queer also. I personally identify with these composers, their music, and the themes they naturally gravitate towards because of their identities. Typically when I see a program like this, I get excited about seeing better representation in classical music. However, for me this recital had nothing to do with making a statement like that. I wanted a chance to experience the catharsis I imagine my white peers feel when they play classical music. This was an extremely convoluted way to do this, but I decided to entertain my most unrealistic ideas to see what it felt like.
I decided to then frame my entire performance for my own self-fulfillment. I played with my friends and did not introduce any of the pieces. I deliberately made no attempt to connect to my audience and instead let them take what they wanted from my performance. My program notes specifically spoke to these themes and I made the central piece of the recital a piece by my dear friend Sarrah Bushara titled “X”. This piece is meant to be a cathartic moment for the performer and negates the performer and audience relationship as it aspires to feelings of omnipresence instead. The piece is meant for oboe and recorded oboe or oboe and any number of other oboes. The rest of the program was organized around this piece and was meant to be very self reflective. Each piece explored different aspects of identity and the human experience.
In the performance I learned a lot about myself. In my desire to find catharsis I found it in a way I did not expect. Instead of a passionate emotional release, I found myself experiencing a state of calm I have never experienced before. The tension I typically feel between me and the music I play was completely gone. There was no question of whether it was a good performance because I simply aimed for the self expression these pieces demanded. There was no historical tradition I needed to fit into, no standard way to play these pieces, or even a full understanding of the themes they explored. And so I felt more free than I ever had when I was able to transform myself in this music: music written by living composers of color that put expression and improvisation at the forefront just like the music of my childhood.
By telling my story, I hope to connect with people who have a similar story while also speaking to broader human experience. As a minority in the field of classical music it is so easy to feel like an outsider. One of the main reasons being that this music was not made with us in mind. Our influences on the culture of classical music have been largely hidden, erased, and minimized which then leads performers of the same heritage to question their place in this field. I personally can’t bear to give another performance to an all white audience with all white male music on the program. When music institutions subject their students of color to these experiences, I wonder why they ever expect us to stay in this field.
I unfortunately have decided that I do not have a place in the current field since I am not optimistic that it will ever reflect the same ideas behind my recital. I am in the middle of a career change so I have been able to look back on my experiences with brutal honesty. What I noticed consistently throughout my studies of the oboe is that I have been denied catharsis from the beginning. I have never been allowed to take ownership of the classical music field. I have been told from the beginning that pieces with influences from African American culture are lesser than and I have been told to be less imaginative in my expression. I then was taught to feel catharsis based on my correct execution of classical conventions and not my enjoyment of performance itself.
While I know I won’t get many more opportunities to curate a personal recital, I have learned that I can enjoy future performances when I center myself as the performer. This music already speaks very little to me and my experience so I must find my joy in the act of performance itself. All the outside influences like private teachers’ opinions, audience opinions, or historical writings of long dead composers should at the most inform how I practice a piece. When it crosses over into how I enjoy a performance, it only works to take that positive experience away from me. Most performers can agree that their most enjoyable performances feel improvised and that their worst performances feel like they are solving a puzzle. I look forward to a future where I play music for myself and share it authentically. And I hope for a future where catharsis for the audience and performer are equally valued.
About the author
Mekhi Gladden is an oboist and English-hornist from Atlanta, Georgia who is currently based in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. He is now in his fifth and final year at the Curtis Institute of Music. Mekhi began studying oboe at age twelve before entering the Talent Development Program at age fifteen under the tutelage of Emily Brebach, English horn of the Atlanta Symphony Orchestra. He later went on to study with Richard Woodhams, Toyin Spellman-Diaz, Robert Walters, Katherine Needleman, Philippe Tondre, and Elizabeth Tiscione at the Curtis Institute of Music.
Mekhi has attended the Aspen Music Festival in 2018 and Brevard Music Center in 2021 and has performed with the Atlanta Symphony Orchestra, Princeton Symphony Orchestra, Symphony in C, Philadelphia Chamber Orchestra, and Memphis Symphony Orchestra as guest Principal. He has recently been awarded First Prize in the Eric Varner Young Artist Competition, Audience Choice in the Virtual Oboe Competition, recipient of the Paul J. Ross Fellowship with the Pittsburgh Symphony, and Winner of the Jan and Beattie Wood Concerto Competition with performance as a featured soloist with the Brevard Music Center Orchestra.
During his time at Curtis, Mekhi has also worked to further diversity, equity, and inclusion in classical music through his performance and advocacy. This has taken shape in his premiering of several new works for solo oboe, oboe and electronics, oboe and trumpet, and various other ensembles. Mekhi also actively works to program and perform works by a more equally representative array of composers.
