One Year In…

Ashley Miley
June 9, 2022

The repeating thought I have had over the past year in a music conservatory:


"How has music become the thing that saved my life to now be the thing that is killing me?" 



I ended this semester burnt out. Depressed. Withered down. Hopeless. Disconnected.



I have lived through sexual abuse. Abandonment. Emotional Neglect. Sexual assault. An environment steeped in unconscious generational trauma.

I have also lived through a career ending performance injury, a global pandemic, and a world steeped in unconscious trauma.



Not being able to complete these trauma/stress cycles ultimately manifested as complex PTSD. When broken down [as therapists did], I had the mental illnesses of PSTD, general anxiety disorder, depression, suicide ideation, and various eating disorders.

Although my life experiences brought me to my knees where I had no idea how to go on, nothing broke me down as much as one year in a music conservatory.



At this moment, I have never considered leaving music as much as I am right now.



If being a classical musician means giving up my sovereignty and a full life, I am not sure it is an equal tradeoff anymore.



I have always thought I was here to change the classical music narrative.

Now I am not so sure. 


I am not sure it wants to change. 



I am not sure it can change. 



A Day in the Life 


One of my beliefs is that those with mental health illnesses have experienced trauma and their mental health illnesses are physical manifestations of unprocessed trauma. What is it like to be a classical musician who has unprocessed trauma?

The most challenging thing is that classical music often re-traumatize us. Moving through classical music becomes a mind-fuck because we exist in an environment that does not understand the kind of spaces, tools, and community we need to not only heal but flourish. To thrive in the demands and competition of classical music, we must be in a flourishing state.

The most common signs of a traumatized musician are change in commitment to practicing, difficulty enduring long hours of practice, change in music preference, decreased enjoyment of the music, detachment from playing, repeated mistakes, low emotional content of the music, or sudden voice loss with no physical or functional cause. When these symptoms are seen by a teacher or conductor, students are often written off as weak, not talented enough, and incapable of having a career in music.

These conclusions turn into judgements and stories we adopt about ourselves. That judgement fuels stories around a lack of worth and not being good enough. We then push past our limits and push our struggles down deep to prove that inner narrative wrong. We are now in a vicious cycle that seems impossible to break out of where we are disconnect from reality.

That “vicious cycle” is a trauma response loop: flight, fight, freeze, and/or fawn. From that space, we are not in a flourishing space and therefore cannot successfully meet the demands of classical music. The very natural and healthy reaction of our body trying to keep us safe and survive, even if we get stuck in it, becomes the reason we cannot perform at the level we know we are capable of. Becomes the reason we are “not good enough” for music.

At the beginning of the spring semester, I was recovering from COVID while recording for summer festivals and performing a heavy load for ensembles. I didn’t have the energy (physically or mentally) to be 100% for everything. I made a mistake in a rehearsal, it was brought to my teacher, and he gave me feedback on the part the day before the concert. I ended up crying because I was so overwhelmed, exhausted, and past my limit. I was aware I was past my limit, but because I was stuck in my trauma response loop, I was having a hard time finding my footing to take care of myself to be able to show up for everything. Everything was moving too fast and there felt to be such a scarcity of time; this all dysregulated my nervous system and moved me into the trauma response loop.

In that moment, my teacher told me that I needed to consider if I had the mental strength to have a music career. He thought I might be too mentally weak to handle the career and it became a narrative he came back to in every lesson for the rest of the semester.

From some loving place, teachers prompt us with these questions and are hard on us because they are focused on developing our tenacity to be able to endure a career in classical music. This teaching style is how their teachers taught them and they see it as part of what helped them become professionals. They believe it is their duty to give us the same treatment.

Although I understood where he was coming from, I knew it was not the whole story. I tried to explain to him what was happening, and he could not wrap his head around it. That reaction created this lack of trust and safety in our relationship, which caused me to shut down and not advocate for myself. Every week when I came into a lesson, I felt my body collapse inward the second he opened the door. I just took it every week and hearing that week after week wore me down. I had never felt like such a weak and worthless piece of shit.

Many may think I do not have the mental strength to have a career in classical music. My path of trauma has made me deeply sensitive, have different needs, and see the world differently. I used to think that was a weakness, that I was broken, and needed to fix myself.

But in walking my own healing path, I don't think that anymore. I believe I have the mental strength to have a career in classical music. I believe I am quite strong, resilient, brave, and courageous. My strength is my sensitivity, and that sensitivity is what music needs.

There is a sensitivity in classical musicians who have endured trauma and our triggers point to some of the flaws in our industry. We have the answers within that can evolve those flaws. But to offer those answers, it requires us to walk a path of uncovering and embodying our core self rather than who we learned to be to survive our traumas. 


Healing Ourselves Expands Music

On my healing path, I uncovered my core self and now live in devotion to the embodiment of that truth. This path has required me to touch and feel all my emotions, uncover lost parts of myself, be connected to a deeper intelligence within, take up space, understand my needs, be tethered to my body in the present moment, and express all of this through an open heart and body.

One might not think these ideas relate to classical music, but it is a huge piece of what is missing in our musical development-developing our inner artist and capacity to express. This path makes me see music differently and highlights the one thing I hate the most in my playing after a year in a conservatory-its closure.

Closure is an idea I learned from the embodiment and polarity world. Closure happens when our body shuts down to protect us from perceived trauma/pain when we encounter triggers. Closure occurs on a physical level, such as hunched shoulders, but it is felt more on an energetic/somatic level. Closure becomes a habit when we are unconscious of our body’s shape and/or when we continue to not address the emotional residue of our past. Closure impacts our transmission, or what we communicate on an energetic level through our body in the way of presence, movement, sound, and breath.

The closure in my music makes it feel dead. The music does not share, reveal, or express anything. At its core, music is here to open, reveal, explore, expand, connect, and express. Music is about being able to express and experience the vastness of the human experience.

The closure in my music making comes from my own closure. Safety is a necessity for being able to move from closure to openness. Safety is needed within to open, but without safety in the external environment, there is a limitation to how much opening can occur. Classical music does not offer safety because it rejects humanness and expects perfection.


Many of us perform from closure for years or even our whole careers without any awareness. Awareness of how this closure affects the musical offering we are creating for our colleagues and audiences. Awareness of how this closure affects our musical and personal lives.

As an audience member receiving this closed musical offering, my heart and mind cannot be expanded. I cannot be cracked open in a way I never have before. I would not feel seen, heard, or understood.

Music, at its purest core, has this emotional capacity because music simplistically is sound waves, which are just energy. Emotions are just energy too. E-motions = energy in motion. Music and emotions are of the same language, which is why music can help us access our emotions at a deeper level that words or other art forms can.

Most classical musicians do not have the capacity to give this open-hearted and expressive musical offerings to our audiences that can meet them human to human. One cannot give another what they cannot give themselves.

No wonder no one gives a shit about classical music!

Being expanded, cracked open, seen, heard, or understood through expression-this is what art is about!

But we live in a world and industry that does not value expression, create spaces to develop our expressive capacity, or understand its importance. That not only limits what we can offer our audiences, but it hurts us too.

There has never been a moment where I have felt that classical music has wanted ME, my core self. It has wanted me to be perfection, to forget my messy human. In my heart, I know that the music, my colleagues, and audiences need my messy human vulnerability and authenticity.

But how do we create an industry that can hold our trauma healing and unbridled humanness-not only for its expansion, but for the expansion of classical musicians too?





A New Classical Music Starts with Us

As I sit with the idea of leaving music, I feel heartbroken. I think about how I am probably not the only who feels this way or have had these experiences. Classical music cannot keep going on like this; our values must alter. If not, classical music will not be able to survive. But more importantly, we as musicians will not be able to survive.

Classical music needs to become trauma informed and incorporate inner artist development. We are also reckoning with issues regarding racism, equity, and diversity that are important issues in the industry’s evolution.

As I said before, I am not sure that classical music, its systems and philosophy, want to change.

So where does that leave us?

I have been asking myself the question, “What would classical music have to look like in order for me to stay?”

That question puts the power back in my hands; it helps me step into being a creator. Little by little, as I infuse my summer practicing with these ideas, I find my joy and love for music coming back. I find my enthusiasm for the process and feel more creative. I feel more balanced, grounded, and nourished because I am meeting my needs, exploring other interests I have, and experiencing a fuller breathe of life. But most importantly, I feel there is enough space for ME and that space wants me.

I do not know how this experiment will go once I am back in school. But I trust that I will be able to keep it going and have the answers I need as to where to go next. We must be willing to try things in a new way verses what we have been taught to understand what is in alignment or not, especially when we are starting to bring our core self into space we have not before.

The evolution of classical music is not going to happen overnight. A lot of classical music’s evolution is going to come from musicians choosing for themselves what their musical life looks like. Whether that be leaving music, holding boundaries to explore other passions, not prioritizing auditions and an orchestral career. Us embodying our truths, creating, and expressing from that place is what classical music needs the most. Not only to evolve, but to return to its purest intention: expressing the vastness of the human experience.

About the author

Ashley Miley is an oboist, teacher, and mental health and wellness advocate. Ashley has most recently performed with the University of Cincinnati’s College Conservatory of Music (CCM) Philharmonia, Chamber Winds, Chamber Orchestra, and Wind Symphony. She has also performed with Rutgers Symphony Orchestra and the Ohio State University (OSU) Symphony Orchestra and Wind Symphony. She spent the 2021 summer at the Vienna Summer Music Festival as principal oboe for Puccini’s La Bohéme and Humperdinck’s Hänsel und Gretel.

In Columbus, Ashley maintained a private studio ranging from beginners to advanced high schoolers auditioning for college programs. Her students received multiple music college acceptances with scholarships.

In 2020, Ashley was invited to the OSU’s oboe studio to present The Intuitive Musician: Embracing Performance Anxiety and Mental Health as a Classical Musician. She shared her own journey with performance anxiety, mental health, and trauma highlighting the intersection and how these challenges become opportunities for musical and personal growth.

Ashley is currently pursuing a master’s degree in performance at CCM, studying oboe with Titus Underwood. Ms. Miley received her bachelor’s degrees in music and music education with a minor in art entrepreneurship at OSU, studying with Robert Sorton. Her other major teachers include Andrew Adelson and Dwight Parry.