Are You There, Serotonin? It’s Me, Cleo
Cleo Goldberg
November 11, 2021
It has always fascinated me how everyone’s mental health stories are so incredibly different. For many people, keeping a few routines or rituals in place are enough to help them maintain a balanced life and comfortable state of mind. For others, there may be one period of their life that is particularly painful or challenging, and after recovering from it, mental health may no longer feel like a regular concern for them. For some, mental health is more cyclical — after a difficult phase, there is a period of comfort and relief that is eventually followed by a phase that is similarly difficult.
I often joke that I have faced mental health struggles since I left the womb. I know we all came out crying, but I swear I was hyperventilating and particularly freaked out from the very beginning! There was a period where I felt like my anxiety and depression were issues that I could solve. This was mostly during my undergraduate studies, when I began to feel frustrated that my struggling mentally might hold me back from becoming the musician I wanted to be. I was doing what I thought were the right things — talking with a therapist, exercising, journaling regularly. But, I was doing these things with the mindset that if I did it all right, then I wouldn’t struggle with mental health ever again.
One of the most empowering realizations I have had is that I will face anxiety and depression for the rest of my life. It was when I stopped trying to fight these obstacles or “fix” them that my attention turned to how I could cope with them in the most effective and healthy way.
I have by no means figured it all out. Depression is truly the worst, and it can make you feel like a different person and that your best judgment is gone. And yes, it can really feel like “wow, do I have any serotonin left up there?” As awful as it is, and as frustrated as I am that it is something that continues to happen to me, I feel like I’ve started to understand what depressed Cleo needs to do and needs to hear. I will share just three of them.
“Your depression is lying to you!” This one is really, really hard. When in a really dark place, it can feel so impossible to discern which thoughts are worth holding onto and which are harmful. I try my best to stop myself anytime I notice a thought that comes up that sounds unkind to myself and consider the evidence around the statement. For example, perhaps I catch myself thinking “I’m not that good of a musician.” I might ask myself “what evidence is there?” Sure, I could try to point to a few rehearsals where I didn’t like what I said on the podium or didn’t feel very confident. But then, I would ask myself “is there evidence against this statement?” I could then point to being proud of a festival I got into, a recital that I was pleased with, or kind words from colleagues after a rehearsal I led. It might not immediately convince me that I should be kinder to myself, but challenging thoughts in this way starts to make things seem a bit clearer.
“A body in motion tends to stay in motion.” Newton probably wasn’t talking about depression but we stole it anyway. This one is also tough. It’s hard to find the energy to do things when you have none! One of the main ways that my depression manifests is a pattern of being stuck in bed for hours. It’s awful. I know that the best thing would be to get up and push through but I just can’t.
One thing that has helped me is trying to use smaller, less demanding tasks as a way to get me moving so that I have a bit of momentum to try to work on what I really need to. For example, trying to get myself up to run a few errands or do some cleaning around the house, and hopefully allowing myself to keep moving so I can do some studying or practicing that I may have been nervous about. It also really helps to have people to hold you accountable. If I’m having trouble getting up in the morning, I might have a friend meet me for a 9am coffee, or schedule an appointment earlier than I normally would. Trying to break a pattern of oversleeping or inactivity can feel just terrible at first, but it can be so beneficial as long as we have the right amount of grace and patience with ourselves.
“What makes you feel like yourself?” When I’m in a particularly dark place, I don’t only feel a lack of joy, but I feel disconnected from who I really am. Trying to do things that tend to make me happy often helps, but it can also be disheartening to realize that I’m not able to find the same level of enjoyment in a favorite activity that I’m used to. So, I instead try to seek out practices that will bring me closer to who I am and what my values are. It doesn’t need to bring me immediate happiness, but if it gives me a glimpse of a part of my identity that I’ve lost touch with, it will absolutely bring me a moment of comfort.
For me, and I’m sure for many people that follow Sound Mind, there are pieces of music that speak to me that can help give me some clarity in these times. It could be a piece I had a fond memory of performing. It could be a piece that I find inexplicably beautiful and has a way of tugging on my heartstrings. It could be a song from an artist whose energy and soul I admire. This is my favorite version of mindfulness. Some prefer deep breaths in silence — I prefer closing my eyes and losing myself in a piece that I love. This is what brings me closest to my center when I’m feeling like I’ve lost touch. Whether it’s following along with a Britten string quartet or jamming out to Beyoncé like it’s a lip sync for my life, in these moments, I am thankful for my passion for music and what it can do for me.
When thinking about these difficult periods, I try my very best to be kind to myself. I remind myself that healing is not linear, and I think of a graph like the one seen below. Though I may come up from a dip in the curve, there will be another dip. However, after every dip, I rise higher than I was before it. While I cannot make my anxiety or depression disappear, as I live with them longer, I’m gradually getting a bit better at dealing with them. When the serotonin seems to be far away, I do all that I can to cope, have some compassion for myself, and have faith that it will return.
